Friday, 5 June 2015

Are you a bunny boiler or a cheater?

My brain is in constant conflict with itself.

On the one hand I tell myself that I barely have the energy to flirt with guys because, lets face it, creating sexual tension without the guarantee of progressing is both exhausting and frustrating. On the other hand, I think it would be marginally nice to have someone to hug and to make fun of me a little.

There are immediate assumptions that are made when people hear that you are a single mother. It's a daily struggle trying to fight stereotypes. One of the reasons I've avoided dating sites over the last few months is due to a strong societal belief that as a single mother I must be absolutely desperate for sex. So I could lie on my dating profile and not mention the small dependant, but what does that say about my character to the serious guys who are looking for an actual relationship? The kind of attention I received from guys were a couple of sentences lacking substance, swiftly followed by an unsolicited photo of their abs or 'peanuts' (as my son calls it).

It's often assumed that I must have done something awful to be a single mum, and that I put myself in this position. I'm made to feel guilty or inadequate or 'damaged goods'. I refuse to be put into this stereotypical box. Yes I did, 'put myself in this position', thank you. But do you know about that decision or why I made it? No? So pipe down.

As one dating website 'hopeful' (Mr Disrespectful) so eloquently put it:

"Are you a bunny boiler, or a cheater? Because you can't look like that and be single, there must be a catch. Experience has taught me that women are always boiling on the edge of a personality disorder."

Mr Disrespectful was quickly blocked. This was the very first message from him. Some chat-up line! There are very few that break down my wall and get to really know the real and quirky side of me. How can a guy who knows nothing about the situation or relationship with my son's dad profess to know why I'm single? How does he dare think he has the right? It seems he must have been hurt badly and took his revenge by bitterly bashing any woman that would listen. Me? I'd rather have some friendly, flirty, no-pressure banter. Sad for him.

Why when someone asks if I'm single do they assume there's something wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me. I've not met a man who meets my expectations, and to be honest, I don't feel a desperate need to. If someone awesome appears then great, but I don't feel like I'm missing my 'better half'. I am a whole complete person in my own right. And no, I'm not lonely at night because there are these handy things that some people have called 'friends', and they are very valuable to me.

I have a great full-time job, an energetic and challenging five year-old boy with additional needs and I'm studying for a degree. If you can find me a guy who is secure in themselves, willing to squeeze into that and can take each day as it comes without batting an eyelid, then that one right there will be the one who is truly worthy of my time.