Wednesday, 25 April 2012

All the same fish?

Tea tonight: Two slices of seeded Hovis (toasted) followed by Silverskin Pickled Onions. It's too late to cook after putting my son to bed and I enjoy the combination. It means I can dedicate half an hour of shopping for men on the internet.

My son gets more romantic action than me at the moment. Every morning when I drop him at nursery his ‘girlfriend’ bounds over to say hello and gives him a cuddle. He tries to avoid her by hiding behind my legs until she grabs him by the hand and pulls him out to play. I'm told he has a couple of girls with whom he’s a favourite, and he often sits next to them at lunchtime with his arm around them. I know he’s going to be a heart-breaker when he’s older, but I don’t need to worry just yet.

His 'girlfriend' has the right idea with taking control. In the world today the way we communicate and the hectic stress of our everyday lives has turned people to internet dating in order to fit in with their schedule and have more of a selection of partners. My choice to go online was partly encouragement from friends, and due to my height the choices of men I meet in every day life are limited.

I've come to realise that there are certain categories of profiles which guys fit into on these sites.  The main types consist of the following:
The Decent Date
This man normally has a screen name of ‘Decentguyxoxo’ or something similar. In fact, they are the men who are most likely to be a complete contradiction of that.

The Funny Date
These profiles are normally witty and well written. I enjoy reading them. They make me feel pressured to put more effort in when emailing him in a bid to convince him that I am as funny as he is. Sometimes he'll step over the line and put a joke in there that's derogatory to women just because he thinks he's being clever. There's no place for that on a dating website Funny Guy.

The Desperate Date
This guy will - after one or two messages - thrust his email address and/or phone number at you, and ask to request you on Facebook. These men will ask you out on a date immediately without knowing so much as your name.

The One-off Date

The profile picture will be him, topless, taking a photo of himself in front of the mirror. He’ll start his emails with, “Hey Sexy/Beautiful/Baby, You’re stunning/hot/looking for me.” There won’t be a lot of depth to his profile, and he’ll probably only have written one sentence because his limited vocabulary prevents him from expanding any further.

The Poser Date
Similar to that of the One-off date but all his photos will be him and his muscles. This man will be flexing them in various positions or bulging out of a t-shirt. He'll wear sunglasses in at least one (if not all) of his photos. An email I received from one prime example said, “These muscles can b all yrs…all u gota do is ask!” Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.

The Angry Date
I feel nothing but sympathy for this guy. He’s obviously had a bad experience with internet dating (or just women in general). His introductory line will say, "Is there anyone normal on here?!" His profile is written purely in capitals, and he'll clearly be in a mad rampage about how the website is rubbish and not to contact him if your're a weirdo:


Wow! Who’s got issues???!

The Unoriginal Date
This man's profile goes a little something like this:

"I am a down to earth, easy going and caring guy looking for a normal girl. I enjoy going out with friends but I am just as comfortable cuddling on the sofa with a DVD. I like lazy Sundays and want someone to travel the world with....Blaaaah blaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaah...."

Someone put me out of my misery and shoot me now before I die of boredom.

Finally, The Perfect Date
I've not found this profile yet so I cannot comment.

As well as the types of profiles there are certain obligatory photo styles and poses which always seem to appear:
  • The skiing shot – even if they’ve only skied once back when they were 18 years old
  • Shot in front of the mirror – taken with their mobile phone
  • Shot with a group of friends – “Look! People like me!”
  • Shot from ten years ago – “I’ve got less hair now, and I’m not as slim”
  • Shot with a really beautiful girl at a wedding – “She’s my sister”….of course!
  • Shot with dog – “Look I’m sensitive”
  • Shot sleeping – “Look I’m cute”
  • Shot sleeping, cuddled up with dog – “Look I’m sensitive and cute”
The challenge was to try to make my profile clever and interesting without conforming to the norm. A small excerpt:

"What makes me unique is my height, my long legs, my big hair and out of all the other girls on here I can actually park my own car. I'm kidding, that last one is a load of rubbish."

Apart from getting my profile right I also had the dilema of whether to mention my little boy. I decided that it's best to be up front from the start because I'd rather not waste my time with someone and then find out they are kid-a-phobic! I did mention, "rest assured, I'm not looking for an instant family or financial support", for the people who might want to tar me with a certain brush.

I've had quite a few emails the last few days; one of which is a Butler in the Buff who I recognised as such instantly from the photo of his peachy behind in the trade-mark apron (those who know me well know I'm partial to these lovelies).

Will I finally get to go out on a date with the man of my dreams? The websites reckon that it takes an  average of 7 dates in order to find 'The One'. Just one date will do me fine for now. As long as he's not a weirdo.


  1. You will find someone, there is someone out there for day when your not looking you will just see him...

  2. Tee hee! You blog well h.jugs and you make me giggle! Keep it up!

  3. just trying out for signing in :-)